Teenage brats: A psychologist's response

Yesterday an article featured in the Sydney Morning Herald about entitled teens and their parents. It basically described teens having temper-tantrums, and quoted the hapless parents saying they gave their children everything and so it's all their fault. From there, some psychologists are quoted on how this generation of parents "can't say no", and that some tough love is needed. But I'm not sure how helpful this is for parents finding themselves in analogous circumstances, so I thought I'd outline some areas I'd look at if this family were clients of mine.

Most importantly though, let's acknowledge that everyone, including parents, are doing the best they can with what they have. Blaming and shaming makes people defensive at best, and depressed at worst, but what's needed here is courage to change. If we're desperate for someone to blame, chances are we'd end up going back generations, because generally speaking we inherit parenting practices (and coping styles) from our parents, who inherited it from theirs, and so on (unless we work on changing - read on). 

Based on the information in the article I refer to above, the beliefs parents hold that make them feel responsible for their children's happiness are critical. Giving their children everything they want may be driven by some of their own pain in the form of childhood memories - memories of neglect, feeling unloved, suffering from an alcoholic parent, or living in relative poverty, for example. Fear of "damaging" their kids, or just discomfort on enforcing rules and boundaries, is increasingly common (if we need our kids to be friends, setting rules is going to be a major issue). Looking at the drivers for low discipline, material indulgence, and the need to be friends with one's kids is essential. 

A child's (or teen's) emotional functioning is limited by their parents; generally children cannot function better emotionally than their parents. Identifying where the parent's emotionality is coming from (assuming it's high) is important. How parents manage their emotions, and then how their emotionality may feed into their teen's (elevated) emotions will in turn affect all members of the family; in a family unit or system, everyone's emotion levels affect the emotions of the others, directly (e.g. yelling at mum), or indirectly (e.g. mum then phones dad, and sibling feels the need to defend mum, which then leads to sibling conflict, which makes the parents more stressed, which leads dad to drink at night, which makes mum feel alone, and so on). Identifying the emotion feedback loops in the family will help the parents identify where they may be able to break the loop (e.g. Mum walks away when teen is yelling at her, then herself follows up with the teen later when both are calm). The parents themselves may be limited in responding effectively to their teen, for instance, by becoming passive-aggressive, so teaching assertive skills (often referred to as tough love) may be needed. Reducing emotionality in the household can only start with the parents.

Beyond this, setting enforceable consequences with the teen when you're all calm (e.g. removal of driving privileges or practise hours, or allowances) and carrying them out calmly may be necessary. The older the teen gets, the more negotiation will need to take place in setting consequences everyone is agreeable to.

The above approach is informed by Bowen family systems theory, cognitive-behaviour theory, and social learning theory, to name a few. The above post is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, and if you need help with the above issues, please consult a qualified professional.