Success vs Happiness

Does success equal happiness? If we're honest with ourselves, it's hard not to believe this idea: that if we're successful, we'll have a happy life, and if we're unsuccessful, we won't be happy. 

Success, as defined by our culture, is often taken to be a stellar career, money, fame and acclaim. But success and happiness are not as closely correlated as you might think. When we achieve success of some sort yes, it does feel good, but typically for just a relatively short time; we usually adapt to, or get over, our successes rather quickly, only to wonder what goal to strive for next. This feeling of 'what next?' might turn up a few days, or sometimes only hours, after achieving a goal. 

Of course, reaching our goals is great, and promotes self-confidence and optimism. But equating success with happiness is erroneous, potentially leading to ubiquitous striving for something more, which is the opposite of happiness's cornerstone - contentment.

Forgiveness: How to...?

'Letting go' is virtually synonymous with forgiveness. If you google "how to forgive", countless articles tell you that you need to let go of anger, bitterness, and resentment. But clear instructions on the psychological mechanics of the 'letting go' part are often omitted.

I wonder if the psychological mechanics of forgiveness ('letting go') involve having empathy for the person who hurt you, with empathy being defined as compassionate understanding of what it's like to be another. Generating empathy (aka compassionate understanding) for the offender could be done by thinking about the myriad events over their lifetime that led to the offending behaviour (for example, a history of being maltreated themselves); avoid ascribing the behaviour to malicious intent. If you can generate empathy towards the offender, it can act like a balm to your emotional wound. But remember, you can't trick your mind: if you are just going through the motions of forgiving but are only interested in getting rid of your own painful feelings, it won't work.

It's also worth noting that it's well within your rights to forgive someone but refrain from restoring the relationship, if there is one to restore. 

Procrastination: The universal habit

Fear of failure is often touted as the main cause of procrastination. And this may be true for people with high anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. However, for the average punter, the main cause of procrastination is much more likely to stem from a failure to control impulses: the impulse to watch TV, eat, sleep, play computer games, check emails, read the online news (my personal favourite).

Procrastination is so common because humans are wired for immediate pleasure over long-term pay-offs: the impulse to watch that new Youtube clip is much more compelling than the drive to work on your English paper that's due in 2 weeks. We procrastinate because the potential rewards of working on that English paper are just so far away relative to the fun of watching a funny cat video on Youtube. And the potential costs of procrastination (being disappointed with your mark, for example) are even more remote.

One way to tackle procrastination is to spend some time vividly imagining the negative outcomes that could occur as a result of procrastination: looking stupid in front of colleagues, letting down team mates, or missing out on an opportunity because you weren't prepared. In addition, try to delay acting on an impulse for 5 seconds, which gives your rational brain time to decide whether giving in to that impulse, and procrastinating, is really in your best interests.

Is psychology failing men?

Around 80% of my clients are female. Naturally this raises questions about what's preventing men from seeking psychological support, assuming my client base is fairly representative of psychologists generally.

This statistic could be because I am female; perhaps many men are more comfortable consulting a male psychologist. In addition to this, the process of therapy itself (i.e. sitting down face-to-face with someone and talking about your problems and emotions) is potentially a foreign experience for many men.

Unspoken cultural expectations that men need to be 'strong', and that being strong is synonymous with not experiencing sadness and anxiety, is probably still a significant barrier to seeking help for anxiety and depression.

In recent years, some male sports stars have spoken publicly about their own depression and anxiety, acting against the unofficial code of silence for men suffering from psychological distress, which is to be applauded. But clearly there's still a long way to go.

Being human: it's complicated

There's no doubt that being human is complicated. In fact, being human is so complicated that trained practitioners (psychologists) are needed to help people untangle from the psychological knots they find themselves in. Part of what makes being human so complicated is that the nature of the human internal experience is somewhat paradoxical: if we don't want a particular feeling or emotion (e.g. anxiety, guilt, anger), then we are more likely to act in a way which leads that feeling to persist. And so we often fall into behaviour patterns aimed at getting rid of what we don't want, but which just exacerbate or only give temporary relief: drinking, smoking, watching TV, excessive exercise, binge eating, to name a few. So often, the solution to psychological problems is paradoxical, often involving acceptance of distress, and facing feelings instead of fleeing. And like many psychological interventions, this may seem simple but it's definitely not easy.

The trap of social phobia

Unfortunately mind-reading was not taught in my clinical training. 

But if you have social phobia, chances are you believe you are fairly good at mind-reading negative or judgmental thoughts others have about you. And maybe others do have negative thoughts about you, because when you're trying to converse with them, you're so desperate to check you're not doing anything embarrassing that you end up missing what they said.

Self-focused attention is the "engine-room" of social phobia: when we fear others will judge us harshly, we turn our attention towards ourselves to check we aren't doing anything that might be embarrassing or awkward. Unfortunately, the act of turning our attention towards ourselves means we're no longer paying attention to those we're talking to, leading to more gaffes, embarrassing comments, or not knowing what to say, thereby increasing the risk others will judge us negatively.

Social phobia is a terrible disorder for the debilitation it causes; robbing people of the chance to make new relationships, or any relationship. It's also tragic because we will never really know what someone else thinks about us, but we can spend a lifetime worrying about it without appropriate psychological intervention.