Low Frustration Tolerance

Ever met someone who becomes frustrated at issues that seem rather insignificant to you? Low frustration tolerance occurs when we have rigid and unrealistic beliefs about how others and the world should be. An example of these kinds of beliefs include, "I shouldn't have to put up with anyone else's incompetence." Such beliefs then lead to us feeling frustrated, and increasingly stressed, when events and other people don't conform to how we want them to be. 

The good news is that we can increase our frustration tolerance through changing how we think. Practising identifying our thoughts when we're feeling frustrated, and then trying to temper them is good place to start. Take the belief above, and then consider this alternative: "I don't want to put up with anyone else's incompetence, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes." There are multiple coping statements we can use when things don't go our way, and developing a list of these can be helpful in reducing frustration. For example, "Most people don't intend to inconvenience me", "This isn't going to matter in a month's time," and "I can cope with this."

Depressed? Be kind to yourself

Depression is incredibly common. The more episodes of depression we experience, the more likely we are to have another, which is itself rather depressing.

So how does being kind to yourself help? Depression is linked to high self-criticism and shame. Shame is an emotion that occurs when we believe ourselves, rather than just our behaviour, to be defective. Being kind to oneself, or practising self-compassion, is a way to counter shame and self-criticism. Encouragingly, the research is increasingly showing its effectiveness in reducing depressive symptoms.

So how do we "do" self-compassion? A simple way to start is to go easy on the self-criticism the next time you make a mistake or fall short of your expectations. Remember that all human beings including yourself, whether you like it or not, make mistakes, and beating yourself up with self-criticism rarely helps you avoid making another.

I can't give self-compassion justice by way of an explanation on this blog, so if you're interested to learn more, visit mindfulselfcompassion.org .

Turning conduct-disordered kids around

I'm reading through a treatment manual for child conduct (defiance) problems. Of interest, the manual points out that:

1) Children crave emotional engagement with their parents

2) Emotional engagement can involve positive emotions (parents showing excitement, surprise), or negative (parents showing anger, irritation, frustration). It doesn't matter to the child which emotions you show when you engage with them, as long as you're emotional

A key tenet of the manual is to make your discipline boring (unemotional), and swift, typically using time-out. If you are more emotionally charged when your children are behaving badly than when they are doing the right thing, you increase the likelihood that your child will continue to misbehave. 

Helping teenage girls through friendship fallouts

Friendships for teenage girls are the most important things in their lives, and falling out of their friendship group is a frightening prospect. It can be hard for parents to remember just how difficult managing the social milieu of high school can be, and how to most effectively help girls cope through friendship difficulties. Some things that might be helpful to remember if your daughter finds herself in the middle of a conflict:

-Remember there are always two (or more) sides of a story, and it's highly unlikely that your daughter will be completely innocent in a friendship fallout

-Avoid taking sides. Instead of calling the other girl names (e.g. "what a cow!"), validate your daughters feelings (e.g. "That must have been so upsetting for you.")

-Help your daughter come up with a plan for how to resolve the conflict. This is important, as friendship fallouts are a crucial experience in adolescence from which we learn how to deal with conflict in any relationship. In her plan, encourage her to own up to her own mistakes, and remain respectful of others

-Avoid ripping your daughter out of her school in an attempt to rescue her, as this gives her two  unhelpful messages: 1) The answer to relationship conflict is to run away, and 2) She's not capable of solving her friendship problems. These messages are incredibly disempowering. Moreover, if she does move schools because of friendship conflicts, and they occur again at her next school, she will have very little confidence in her ability to resolve it herself, and no experience in doing so either.

Nervous breakdown

Sometimes we hear it said that someone's had a nervous breakdown, but you'd be forgiven for wondering what this actually means.

Usually the term is used to describe a highly emotional reaction to a build up of stress. But the term is vague and has no medical validity; the emotional reaction it references could be associated with a range of issues including depression, anxiety, mania, drunkenness, or psychosis. The term is also a misnomer in that there's no such thing as a 'nervous breakdown' - nerves don't break down in response to emotional stress. Today, 'burnout' and 'emotional collapse' might be the equivalent terms in common parlance. 

If you feel like you're on the verge of a 'nervous breakdown', taking stock of what's causing you stress and doing some problem-solving to better manage your stressors may be all you need. Alternatively, visit your GP, psychologist, or psychiatrist for support. Online cognitive behaviour treatment (e-therapy) is increasingly available. Visit www.mindhealthconnect.org.au for a list of online programs.

Getting used to it

Ever bought a new car, or even just a fancier used car than what you had before? I bet that when you first got it, it was exciting, and felt luxurious and special. But what probably happened over the next 6 weeks to 6 months is that the specialness and excitingness of it wore off. And it's probably also safe to guess that this is an experience you've had repeatedly after buying new material goods; you experience a spike of pleasurable emotions (excitement, happiness, etc) when you acquire the item (house, car, coat, couch, for example), but over time these feelings wane, until the said item just feels normal or nothing special.

The human capacity to adapt to, or get used to, one's environment is what enables us to survive in adverse conditions. Our bodies are wired to adapt, and to quickly get used our surroundings, whatever they are, so that we have more resources to cope with the novel and the unexpected. Unfortunately, if one of our main ways of obtaining pleasure is through buying new things, we're going to need to buy a lot of increasingly luxurious items to get the same pleasure 'hit' over time, as we quickly adapt to each new, once special, purchase. This is often referred to as the hedonic treadmill.

So what to do with this information? Perhaps keep the hedonic treadmill principle in mind, especially when you're considering a purchase that will put you into debt; remember that no matter how special your imminent purchase seems right now, after you've owned it for a few months, it probably won't feel that special at all.