Contempt, judgment, and adolescence

Contempt is a difficult emotion to define. Susan Heilter describes it as the opposite of empathy, and a mix of disgust and anger. Contempt occurs when we judge someone as being inferior to us in some way (anything from hair and clothes to religious beliefs). Judging others, which evokes the emotion contempt, feels good because it creates in us feelings of superiority. And in that difficult developmental stage that is adolescence, feelings of superiority are a short-term antidote to the ubiquitous feelings of insecurity.

Now I'm not suggesting that all adolescents are contemptuous individuals (far from it actually), or that contempt is reserved for the young (adults "use it" to feel good too). However, adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to a judgmental mindset in an effort to manage their own insecurities.  And adolescents know it themselves - you only have a listen to a group of adolescents in conversation for a short while before you hear statements such as, "Don't judge me". Helping adolescents find other ways to feel good about themselves, ways that don't involve judgment and contempt, is key in helping them reduce their insecurity and foster genuine self-worth.

Greed

There's something fascinating about wealthy, famous families fighting over their respective shares of the family fortune. This has been recently played out in the Australian context by Gina Rinehart and her children. At its core, it's a story about greed and the destruction it can wreak on our closest relationships. So what is greed? Perhaps it can be summed up as the drive to acquire more for the sake of acquiring more, with no consideration for the needs of others. Alongside greed, there seems to exist the assumption that security and contentment will come from the acquisition of more goods. 

Selfish behaviour, including greed, is behaviour that facilitates biological survival - it drives us to secure resources to keep ourselves and our kin safe. But although touting humans as selfish is a little depressing (but probably not news for most of us), we're not "all bad". Humans, although being wired for greed, also demonstrate the ability to override their biological wiring; humans are able to choose any number of behaviours, unlike animals, some which fly in the face of selfish self-interest, some of which can be altruistic and selfless.

"Suck it up, Princess"

I seem to hear this phrase all the time, and I don't like it. It's not that I don't agree with the underlying message - that sometimes we just have to grin and bear a hard situation - but more the impact of it, and its uselessness in helping others get on with the job of "sucking up" whatever misfortune they've come across.

"Suck it up, Princess" does not in any way validate the emotions of the person who's been told to "suck it up".  It's well shown in empirical research that validation of emotional upset, even if someone does have to eventually "suck it up", is important in helping humans to let go of their distress. Validation is about recognising the truth and weight of another's (or one's own) experience, accepting it, and respecting it. But if anything, "suck it up, princess" just rubs salt in the wound of the "sucker-upperer". The message is also cutting in that it's not too far away from, "sucked in", in both sentiment and language. And this last phase definitely provides no comfort at all. 

So next time you come across someone who just needs to "suck it up", perhaps exercise some restraint and avoid reminding them of this fact.

She's got it all, doesn't she?

Some people just seem like they have it all - intelligence, good looks, superior athletic ability, heaps of friends. But what's it really like to be someone who has it all?

Sadly, all too often, "having it all" doesn't turn out to be all that it's cracked up to be. In fact, stories of seemingly successful people killing themselves are all too common. The case of a young American woman follows this theme. This young woman really did seem to have it all, but her perfectionistic tendencies, which arguably brought her many successes, also caused her so much pain that she took her own life. 

Revenge

Let's face it - who hasn't had thoughts of getting revenge on someone at some point? Getting revenge has been glamourised in countless movies and TV shows, and fantasies about getting revenge on someone who has hurt us can feel really good. However, in the reality, getting revenge is usually far less glamorous and satisfying. When people seek revenge, it's usually because emotions are running hot after some kind of hurt. People rarely think through the logical consequences of a vengeful act, nor weigh up deterrents (for example, being arrested or damaging one's own reputation). But perhaps most importantly, getting revenge will not take away your original hurt, and may well hurt you more, in one way or another (loss of reputation, loss of respect from others, reciprocal action from the person you hurt, arrest, etc).

Helping the bereaved

The death of friends and loved ones is difficult for all of us no matter what our age or circumstance. It can also be difficult to know how to help our friends when they lose a loved one - what to say or do that will comfort them. Often other people's pain can make us feel helpless. 

If you know someone who has recently lost a loved one, try to avoid platitudes such as, "I know how you feel because I lost.....", or "They're in a better place now", or even "You're doing really well." Often this last comment is made because the bereaved person isn't showing a lot of emotion, but that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting immensely.

If you don't know what to say, perhaps the best thing to do is just to gently admit this. The bereaved person might then tell you, or let you know what would help.

It's important to remember that grief doesn't end after a set period - that for many people, the grief can become harder to bear months after a loss. So try not to assume everything is better even if it's several months or more since the death, and continue to offer your genuine support.